The New Order - Halo Role Playing Forum


Go Back   The New Order - Halo Role Playing Forum > Forum Games and Roleplaying > TNO Archives > RP Archives > New! Halo RPG Series
Community Quick Links Search Mark Forums Read New Posts Register


 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old Stb: 2549 - 2555
Default 08-28-2012
  #1
Erex
Erex is new to TNO
Erex's Avatar

Erex is Bioscan complete...Error
cannot determine
species....error code red
alert bioscan Alien.
 
Achievements Three Red LightsDuetMan of the Year
User Title: Sub-Forum Moderator
Posts: 1,340
Credits:



Seth walks out the door to go to school on his first day of his senior year. His father Major General Paul Parkin yells at him.

Paul: Seth where the hell you think your going? You haven't saluted me out nor did I give your permission to leave until you salute is that understood. Look at me when I talk to you.

Seth: Sorry sir, I forgot, won't happen again.

Paul: Your damn right it won't happen again, or that will be thousand push ups am I clear.

Seth: Yes sir.

Seth was trained from birth by his father to become one day a graduate of the UNSC Military Acedemy and his father was hard on him about it. It was a family tradition that if you were a parkin you had to go to the Military Acedemy. A tradition that has lasted for 200 years.

Seth salutes out to his father and turns away.

Paul: Did I tell you at ease? Look at me boy?

Seth: Sorry sir.

Paul: At ease your free to go.

Seth: Sir, I missed my ride to school.

Paul: That sounds like a personal problem to me boy. Now you better not be late.

Seth: Sir, the school is 15 miles away and school starts in 15 minutes sir.

Paul: I'll give you a ride, and then I'm being deployed.

Seth: Your being deployed? Sir.

Paul: Yes I am.

As the Pelican dropship that was going to take Major General Parkin to the loading ramp of a the Pillar of Autumn a UNSC Halycon class, he orders the pilot to take him to his son's school first.

Pilot: Sir? I'm not authorized to allow civilians onboard sir, I have weapons onboard and I don't think the UNSCMC will be happy.

Paul: I ordered you to take him to school or this will go into your evaluation and dissertation. Is that understood.

Pilot: Yes sir.

The Pelican code name "Stingray" arrives at the school a couple of ODST unload to allow Seth to get off.

Seth: Dad, please come home, I don't want to not have a father, please?

Paul: I can't make you any promises son, even though I'm hard on you, I do it because I love you, I do promise you that you will be a better man than I ever was.

Seth took those words to heart and hid those away as if those where his fathers last words. Something he would never forget.

//////Five months later\\\\\\


Seth runs to the door and sees an officer take his helmet off.

Officer: Seth? I presume

Seth: Yes sir. Seth Salutes him.

Officer: I'm sorry to tell you this, Its the worst job in the entire UNSC is doing this. Your father didn't make it. He was onboard a pelican when a Spirit-class dropship opened fire on the open pelican, they didn't have time to unload and get your father off.

Seth: No, thats a lie. He's coming home.

Officer: He isn't, we never were able to recover your father's body as there is nothing left. Your father is warhero.

Seth: Who's gonna raise me? I'm still in high school.

Officer: Well your father was Major General in the UNSC Marine Corps and he put in his will that in the event he died in combat that a Officer will raise his son till he's able to get into the acedemy.

Officer: And I do know that your grades are good enough. And that the Military Acedemy wants you to join them ASAP.

Seth: I'm going to the Acedemy? Why?

Officer: Your father is friends with the Quartermaster of the Military Acedemy I believe thats why.

////1 Week later\\\\

Seth arrives to the UNSC Military Acedemy to start his military career. He went to the office and request to join the Marine Corps.

Secretary: I don't believe you join the UNSC Marines just yet.

Seth: My father told me that the Marines had their own Acedemy here is that true?

Secretary: Your just a teenager I don't believe you can handle it.

Seth: My father Major General Parkin trained me. I can handle it and much more.

Secretary: If you wish welcome to the UNSCMC. Good luck.

Seth walks to the fields and is quickly berated by a drill sergeant.

Drill Sergeant: You think you can waltz in here late? Huh answer me or I'll snap you like a twig.

Seth: Sir no Sir, Won't happen again Drill Sergeant

Drill Sergeant: You get in that formation and stay there till I answer you. Now Recruit what is your name?

Seth: Seth Parkin sir.

Drill Sergeant: Oh so you think just cause your father is a war hero means we going to be easy on you? Well Alpha Platoon you can thank Seth for 1500 pushups you will be doing and you get to eat till you all are finished. Now drop in position... 1. 2. you call that a push up you pussy you think that you can get away with that Melvins? drop 1. 2 you keep doing this the whole platoon will be redoing it.

5 hours later the entire platoon finishes their pushups while Seth has been done for 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to his fathers training regiment.

////Graduation\\\\
Seth graduated 4 years later top of his class. He was a marksmen and was graduated from Marine Corps Marksman school. He gradauted that a few months later in the top 5 of the school. Seth was able to shoot a piece of rope with only one shot by the time he was done. By the time of his graduation UNSC collapsed and Vernette head of ONI takes over the remnants of the UNSC.

///Deployment\\\
As a member of the ONIMC Sniper Platoon Delta he was an elite sniper he already has obtained 12 kills all of them from a mile away.

Platoon Commander Antares: Seth you will be going over to these coordinates X30 by Y30 you will set up shop there and provide some cover for our ground teams. Keep those shots count and if you need to move you know the drill.

Seth: Yes sir.

Seth takes up position at his given coordinates and gets his rifle ready, he takes aim, pulls the trigger

*Bang* a headshot on a Brute tore most of the brutes head off.

*Bang* a headshot

By the end of the battle he earned 5 more headshots in his only second deployment.

//On leave\\

Seth goes back to his old home hasn't been home in years and he looks at all the dust that has collected and sees an image of his father. Seth breaks down and cries he wished his father would have seen him graduate and become a decorated marksman. He then remembered what happened and blaims the ONI for it.

//The Beginnings of a monster\\

Seth deserted the ONI and everything he fought for and joined the Trust Syndicate for one reason. To make ONI and the UNSC pay for his father's death.

Seth: I want to join you guys.

Trust recruiter: You think you can handle being one of us? Hunted by ONI?

Seth: I've seen worse. I killed a Hunter and all I had was a sniper rifle.

Trust Recruiter: Ok, well if you want in you better be good. I need my quota for the week. Go to docking bay 31 a Pelican will take you where you need to.

As Seth boards the Pelican he looks on the wall and see's a DMR, his father's favorite weapon was a DMR.

Seth: Can I have this weapon?

Pelican Pilot: Go ahead you want it keep it. Its yours if you can fix it.

Seth straps in and starts to figure what was wrong with the rifle. carefully taking it apart piece by piece. And finds the problem.

Seth: I found your problem a dud round got jammed.

As seth removes the round the pilot comes up behind him and knocks him out.

//Trust Training Camp\\
They uncover seth's head from the garment they put on it, only to find himself chained to a chair.

Trust Agent: Welcome, to my little house of horrors. Before you can progress with your training you need to be well ensured that your good enough for the trust.

Seth: And what happens if I don't pass

Trust Agent: I kill you. If you cannot handle it tell me, that won't mean I'll kill you you have to fail more of my test than just the first.

The trust agent starts to through punches at seth's face for what seemed like an eternity but in reality it was only 2 minutes. Seth's bleeding face wouldn't stop, and yet he never cried out to end the pain.

Agent: Hmm interesting. Most cry out after a minute but you lasted the whole 2 minutes. Second test

The Agent starts to waterboard seth and while doing starts to flog him him with a whip to push seth to his limits. He lasted only 1 minute and 30 seconds.

After all the test were done, Seth passed and was injected with the Trust Serum.

Seth: It burns like mother fucker

Agent: Oh you think this is painful? Try it without you bleeding. It burns more.

Seth later becomes a Trust Assassin and intelligence gatherer. His first mission was to kill the remnants of his old platoon. Sniper Team Delta, by doing this would mean his loyalty was to Koyla and no one else.

//Operation: Delta 2555 (takes place between PT10 and 11\\
Seth's pelican lands and unloads him. He pulls out his DMR with a silencer on it and moves for the kills.

Seth moves to a crows nest and places his weapon on the ground while he gets situated. His breathing slowed

Seth: Gotcha bye bye Sniper Team.

Seth pulls the trigger one by one he killed the team of snipers and his old friend Charlie. He ensured charlie was dead by putting a round into his face causing parts of the head to fall off the body as his body hit the ground.

Seth grabs his weapon and heads back when he found a ONI computer, he grabs his splicing tool and hacks into the mainframe and starts to download all the data on the computer and heads back to the rendouvous point. He gets on the pelican and is sent to the Ulterior Motive.

Seth's STB is complete hope you all liked it, if you see anything that may need corrections let me know.

Erex is offline  
Old
Default 08-29-2012
  #2
Naked Crook
Naked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNO
Naked Crook's Avatar

Naked Crook is going back in time
 

Achievements Three Red LightsMan of the PeopleRehab is Needed
User Title: TNO God
Posts: 27,497
Credits:



Ok, I read this STB...and I do have a few things to mention:

For the record...The Title says NTB...that is wrong. The correct acronym is STB.

1. This STB violated the NHRPG rule of not using Proper Nouns from the video games. Major general Parkin had no business being on The Pillar of Autumn. This alone gives me every right to disqualify the story.

2. There really is no story here. This is just a series of flashbacks in some order. There is no character arc, we do not see any development, there is no growth...we can't see it...it is all just assumed. This is a very empty series of events. I refuse to call this a story...

3. With that said, we are just told to accept things. We are told Seth comes to these conclusions for no reason. There was never any personal evaluation, no soul searching. He just woke up one day and we are told he believes ONI was behind his father's death. This is poor structure.

4. As for the Father...who is Major General Paul Parkin anyway? What makes him so great? Why? What distinguishes his career? We are told he is a war hero...and we are just supposed to accept that. Is he a war hero because he died in a plane crash? I guess that makes a lot of people war heros on the same level of Paul Parkin. For all we know...this guy sat behind a desk his entire career and did extremely good paperwork, and eventually reached the rank of General. Again...we are not told anything, we are just told to accept this stuff. These are major plot devices that have no explanation.

5. I hated the character of General Parkin. I think he is a douche. He makes his son salute? My Dad was a Lt. Colonel in the Military and not once did he ever make friends and family salute him. Anyway...Parkin makes his son salute, causing his son to miss his bus...and all that Parkin can say is "That sounds like a personal problem to me boy. Now you better not be late". General parkin is a dick, and I am glad he is dead. I had no reason to feel sorry for this guy. He is a bastard.

6. The Trust does not torture people to initiate them. Why would they torture and harm people they WANT in their organization? Why would they torture a potential recruit? This does not install loyalty, and it gives The Trust a bad name, Please have a more firm understanding of The Trust before you write about them. I do not approve of The Trust being portrayed in this fashion. Yes, they are bad...but you make them sound so simple in this...conglomeration of words.

7. How is Seth an Elite Sniper by only killing 12 enemies? If anything...he is just a sniper. Seth, and every other sniper can score a headshot from a mile away. Seth does not become elite over night.

8. Why did the drill sergeant give Seth and Alpha platoon 1500 pushups? All Seth said was his name was Seth Parkin. He never asked for special treatment, and this was, again, more assumptions.

9. More about this drill Sergeant...if he was a big enough dick to give everyone 1500 pushups based on assumptions and things that were never said...why would he allow Seth to sit idle for 2 1/2 hours? Wouldn't this asshole drill Sergeant make Seth work if the rest of the platoon is working?

10. Where is Seth's mother? He must have a mother? More missing information, and more reason why this story stinks. If General Parkin dies...his mother would have more custody of the child than a dead father would. Even if Seth was a child born to a hooker that General Parkin fucked...the hooker would have more rights to care for the child than the state would. Plot holes.

This series of events was barely competent. It can take a month or more to write a good STB. You wrote this in one afternoon, and it shows. This needs to be totally rewritten. I turned against this series of events when you mentioned The Pillar of Autumn. There needs to be expansion of these characters. The time lapses skip important development time, and this is why this series of events fails to meet minimum standards.

I found myself laughing at the total lack of quality. I hate to say it Erex...but this story was not good. This was terrible. However, this does not mean that you should stop writing...it means you have lots of room for improvement.

I suggest you talk to me before you do a re-write. There is so much imprecision in your dates and timeline...I don't even know how long or when things are happening.

THIS STORY IS NOT CANON TO THE NHRPG

Last edited by Naked Crook; 08-29-2012 at 03:41 PM.
Naked Crook is offline  
Old
Default 08-29-2012
  #3
Erex
Erex is new to TNO
Erex's Avatar

Erex is Bioscan complete...Error
cannot determine
species....error code red
alert bioscan Alien.
 
Achievements Three Red LightsDuetMan of the Year
User Title: Sub-Forum Moderator
Posts: 1,340
Credits:



Ok... Well it was my first.

Erex is offline  
Old
Default 08-29-2012
  #4
Naked Crook
Naked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNONaked Crook is well known to TNO
Naked Crook's Avatar

Naked Crook is going back in time
 

Achievements Three Red LightsMan of the PeopleRehab is Needed
User Title: TNO God
Posts: 27,497
Credits:



Quote:
Originally Posted by Erex View Post
Ok... Well it was my first.
Your first...what? Are you telling me you have never written ANYTHING before in your life? You have never written a book report, or an essay, or a short story for English class...

That is not an excuse.

The ability to write transcends the genera you are writing about. THis lacked basic story structure. I can help you with this...but this...thing...you wrote...this is not canon. I refuse to accept this as backstory for something as complex as NHRPG. This "NTB"...never happened.

Naked Crook is offline  
Old
Default 08-29-2012
  #5
Erex
Erex is new to TNO
Erex's Avatar

Erex is Bioscan complete...Error
cannot determine
species....error code red
alert bioscan Alien.
 
Achievements Three Red LightsDuetMan of the Year
User Title: Sub-Forum Moderator
Posts: 1,340
Credits:



No it was my first STB.. I'm need to rewrite it and make it at least decent. When I reread it I saw what you mean.

Erex is offline  


Tags
brute, covenant, elite, games, halo, odst, oni, role play, rpg, unsc
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


vBCredits II Deluxe v2.0.0 Copyright © 2010 DragonByte Technologies
Forum created by Naked Crook - The New Order - Online Role Playing Forum

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:24 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.